I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Trekkie Nuts
by Ael L. Bolt
Summary: An addon to the Star Trekkies trilogy. Takes place right after 1. Not meant to be taken seriously under any circumstances. Rated Pg13 for crude jokes and innuendo


**I've Got a Lovely Bunch of Trekkie Nuts...**  
By Charmega/Lugia42

Disclaimer: Vulcans are green, Andorians are blue, I don't own Star Trek and neither do you!  
Any song in here is not mine. And I'm not sure who all plays an instrument, besides Jessie and myself, so the others' preferences are made up.

Rating: PG-13 for sexual innuendo and crude jokes  
Genre: Humor, Humor, Humor!  
Series: Star Trekkies, between the first and second books  
Summary: The seven time-travelers form a band called The Lieutenants (kind of copied the name from "The Lieutenant"), and proceed to cause mischief and mayhem in the Rec Room. ^_^

Author's Notes: I've got writer's block on MO and I got bored. I'd been planning this for a while, and when I went to look up the lyrics to "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts", I found a bunch of great songs to perform. ^_^ And so I went at it.

  
  
  
Captain Kirk was sitting at his desk when it happened.

The door chime rang.

He looked up, rather irritated at being interrupted from his thoughts, but said "Come in," in the most polite manner he could manage.

A young Vulcan lieutenant in a gold command tunic skipped in, an impossibly huge smile on her face. She had long dark-blond hair and currently blue-gray eyes. And "Trouble" could quite well have been her middle name.

"Hey JT, can I ask you something?"

He looked up at her innocent look, wondering what the hell she was up to this time. "I suppose so..."

"Great! Me and the other Trekkies wanna have a concert."

Kirk stared at her, puzzled. "A what?"

"You know, a concert. Where a group of people play songs and entertain a crowd."

"Oh...I suppose you could. Should I reserve a Rec Room for you?"

"Yeah. Rec 2 would be nice. We'll be set up in about two days."

"Who's invited?"

She shrugged. "Anyone who wants to come. Oh yeah, and that reminds me..." Kirk didn't like the sound of that. "Can we have your permission to sing about you?"

The captain looked at her sort of sideways. "In what manner?"

She smiled angelically, but the pointed ears ruined the effect. "Oh, just a little bit of teasing. We're trying to get permission of your bridge crew to do the same thing to them."

"Well, if that's the case...I suppose you could."

"Sweet!" she exclaimed. "Thank you, JT!" And then she proceeded to dash out of the room and down the corridor.

Kirk stared as the door slid shut. Whatever was coming up, he had the feeling it wasn't going to be quite....sane.

~~~~~~~

Two days later...

The seven Trekkies had the front portion of the Rec Room cleared out and set up like a stage. Jessie, a half-Klingon with lieutenant's stripes, had a flute in one hand. Allison, the Vulcan lieutenant, had a keyboard synthesizer. Kristian, a half-Vulcan lieutenant, was on the drums. Steve (who was actually human) had a saxophone, while Michael had an electric guitar. May and Lia were experts at voice imitations (and for Lia, it was no small wonder, because she was a shapeshifter anyway), so they would be providing vocals for the parodies of various crewpersons.

The Rec Room was quickly filled up, with crewmen camping out in the corridor to hear the music. The senior crew members were allowed front row seats, which caused Allison to smile and wave. All of them had given permission to be ragged upon, as long as it wasn't too embarassing.

They had no idea what was coming.

The Lieutenants (that was what the band called themselves) started off with a parody from the 20th century called "Star Trekking."

_ "Star Trekking, across the universe,   
On the Starship _Enterprise_, under Captain Kirk.  
Star Trekking, across the universe,   
Boldly going forward, 'cause we can't find reverse!"_

Allison looked over at Uhura with a smile on her face, then glanced at Lia and said "Lieutenant Uhura, report!" Lia stepped forward, morphing into an exact copy of Uhura, and began to sing.

_ "There's Klingons on the starboard bow,   
starboard bow,   
starboard bow.  
There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow, Jim!"_

"Analysis, Mister Spock!" Allison said, and Lia shifted into the Vulcan without missing a beat.

_ "It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it,  
not as we know it.  
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it, Captain."_

May continued the song in Uhura's voice.

_" There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow,  
starboard bow.  
There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow, again!"_

All the Trekkies sang the chorus again.

_" Star Trekking, across the universe,  
On the Starship_ Enterprise_, under Captain Kirk.  
Star Trekking, across the universe,  
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse!"_

"Medical update, Doctor McCoy!"

_" It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim!  
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim, Dead!"_

May sang both of the previous verses, and not too badly, either.

_" It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it,  
not as we know it.  
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it, Captain._

There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow,  
starboard bow.  
There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow, Jim!"

Allison looked over at Kirk with a crazy-happy look on her face, and smirked. "Starship captain, James T. Kirk!"

_" Ha-ha! We come in peace, shoot to kill,  
shoot to kill,  
shoot to kill!  
We come in peace, shoot to kill,  
shoot to kill, men!"_

Kirk stared at them, a laugh threatening to burst out. He settled for a small smile instead, as the crewmen in the back chuckled a little at the lyrics.

_" It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim!  
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim, Dead!_

Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it,  
not as we know it.  
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it, Captain.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow,  
starboard bow.  
There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
scrape 'em off, Jim!"

"Engineer, Mister Scott!"

_" Ye canna change the laws of physics,  
laws of physics,  
laws of physics!  
Ye canna change the laws of physics,  
laws of physics, Jim!"_

Scotty cracked up laughing and nearly fell out of his chair.

_" Oh, we come in peace, shoot to kill,  
shoot to kill,  
shoot to kill!  
We come in peace, shoot to kill,  
Scotty, beam me up!_

It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim!  
It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim!  
Dead, Jim, Dead!

Well, it's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it,  
not as we know it.  
It's life, Jim, but not as we know it,  
not as we know it, Captain.

There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow,  
starboard bow.  
There's Klingons on the starboard bow,  
starboard bow, again!

Star Trekking, across the universe,  
On the Starship Enterprise_, under Captain Kirk!  
Star Trekking, across the universe,  
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse!"_

The song ended with a bang, and there was a barrage of applause a half-second later. Spock looked fascinated (so what else is new?), McCoy was trying to keep a laughing engineer in his chair, and Kirk just mock-sadly shook his head. "Where do they come up with this stuff?" he wondered out loud.

Allison grinned. "We've barely started, captain! Kristian, hit it!" Kristian provided the opening for their next song, which was called "Hey, a Movie!"

_" There'll be spectacle  
There'll be fantasy  
There'll be derring do  
And stuff like you would never see  
Hey! A movie!  
Yeah! We're gonna be movie  
Starring everybody  
And me!_

There'll be heroes bold  
There'll be comedy  
And a lot of fuss  
That ends for us real happily  
Hey! A movie!  
We can watch it all develop  
Starring everybody  
And me!

We'll take a world  
And set it on its ear  
Come on join in  
We're gonna start right here  
  
There'll be crooks and cops  
There'll be villainy  
But with us on call  
We'll fix it all real easily  
Hey! A movie!   
Wow! It's gonna be terrific  
Starring everybody  
And me!   
  
There'll be mystery  
And catastrophe  
But it's all in fun  
You paid the money wait and see  
Hey! A movie!   
Is there any way to stop it?   
Starring everybody  
Everybody  
Everybody  
And me!"  
  
By this point, almost everyone on the _Enterprise_ knew that these seven teenagers knew everything about them due to television and movies. Therefore, there were a lot of laughs and clapping from everyone...except Spock, of course, who was trying to maintain the image of Vulcan emotional detachment.   
  
The band went through a few songs that everybody recognized, and a few crewpersons sang along. Allison and Michael played "Dueling Banjos" (A/N: TWANG~ ^_^) on the keyboard and electric guitar, which lead to most of the crew clapping along.   
  
Then came a solo. Allison stood up and winked at Spock before she began to sing.   
  
_" It's not that easy bein' green;   
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves.   
When I think it could be nicer being red, or  
yellow or gold-  
or something much more colorful like that."_  
  
People were glancing at Spock, trying to hide their smiles as the Vulcan slowly but surely began to blush around his ears. Green, of course.   
  
_"It's not easy bein' green.   
It seems you blend in with so many other ordinary things.   
And people tend to pass you over 'cause you're  
not standing out like flashy sparkles in the water-  
or stars in the sky.   
  
But green's the color of Spring.   
And green can be cool and friendly-like.   
And green can be big like an ocean, or important  
like a mountain, or tall like a tree.   
When green is all there is to be  
It could make you wonder why, but why wonder why?   
Wonder, I am green and it'll do fine,   
it's beautiful!   
And I think it's what I want to be."_  
  
Applause and cheers followed her finale. Spock looked like he wanted to hide under the floor and never come out again, but he had to endure it. He *had* given them permission to do that, after all...   
  
"This next song is gonna be sung by all of us," Allison announced. "And before we start, I'd like to say something....we can't be held responsible for the lyrics. We have recorded statements from all persons involved giving us permission to do this."   
  
Kirk stiffened in his chair. _Uh-oh... _  
  
McCoy took a sip out of a glass of Saurian brandy, because all the laughing had started to hurt his throat. But it turned out to be a really bad idea in the end...   
  
"Alright kiddos, let's get it kickin'! A-one, two, three, four!"   
  
_" When we pulled into Argoport, in need of R & R,   
The crew set out investigating every joint and bar,   
We had high expectations of their hospitality,   
Too bad they weren't geared to handle spacer-types like we...   
  
And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
Our Captain's tastes are simple but his methods are complex,   
We found him with five partners, each of a different world and sex,   
The shore police were coming, and we had no second chance,   
We beamed him up in the nick of time, with the remnants of his pants."_  
  
Kirk was bright red, but he began laughing anyway. The room was roaring with laughter already.   
  
_"And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
Our proper, cool First Officer got drunk on something green,   
And crawled into an alley, where he suffered things obscene.   
He sobered up in sickbay, and is none the worse for wear,   
Except he somehow taught the ship's computer how to swear."_  
  
Spock only raised an eyebrow and muttered something while the people around him chuckled.   
  
_" And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
Our Doctor loves humanity, his private life is quiet;   
He got himself arrested for inciting whores to riot.   
We found him in the city jail, locked on and beamed him free,   
Intact except for hickeys, and six kinds of V.D!"_  
  
McCoy's eyes went wide and he spit his brandy nearly twenty feet.   
  
_" And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
Our lady of Communications won a ship-wide bet,   
By hacking into the planet's main communications net;   
Now every time you call someone on an Argo tele-screen,   
The flesh is there, but the clothes they wear are nowhere to be seen!   
  
And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
Our Helmsman loves exotic plants, and the plants all love him too;   
He brought some down on leave with him, and we wondered what they'd do,   
The planetary governor called and swore upon his life   
That a gang of plants entwined his house, and then seduced his wife."_  
  
Sulu barked out a laugh. He knew exactly what the Trekkies were talking about.   
  
_"And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
Our Engineer, he yields to none in putting down the brew,   
He outdrank seven Space Marines and a demolitions crew,   
Our Navigator didn't win, but he out-drank almost all,   
And that's why there's a shuttlecraft on the roof of City Hall!"_  
  
Scotty smiled proudly, and Chekov was laughing at the lines about himself. "I can fly better den dat!" he declared to the room at large.   
  
"Not if ye're drunk, laddie!"   
  
_"And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
Our Chief Nurse disappeared a while in the local dope bazaar,   
Buying an odd green potion guaranteed to cause pon farr;   
She came home with no uniform, and a smile in her heart,   
And a painful way of walking with her feet a yard apart."_  
  
Nurse Chapel turned an impossible shade of red and covered her ears, blushing furiously and shouting death threats over the ruckus. No one heard her.   
  
_"And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!   
  
A gang of pirates landed there, but no-one seemed to care;   
They stomped into the nearest bar to announce that they were there.   
But half our crew was sitting there, and invited them to play,   
The pirates slowly looked at us, and turned, and ran away!   
  
Oh, we are Starfleet's finest, and our record is our pride,   
And when we play we tend to leave a trail a mile wide.   
We're sorry 'bout the wreckage and the riots and the fuss;   
At least we know that Argo won't be quick forgetting us!   
  
And we're banned from Argo, every one,   
Banned from Argo just for having a little fun,   
We spent a jolly shore leave there of just three days, no more,   
But Argo doesn't want us anymore!"_  
  
"I wonder why!" Kirk laughed as the song ended. "Bravo, lieutenants!"   
  
They all saluted and simultaneously shouted over the cheering, "We thank you, sir!"   
  
As soon as the noise died down, Allison stood up. "We've got one more song to perform for you today." She had a mischevious glint in her eyes. "It's called 'Cabin Fever'. Don't say we didn't warn you."   
  
_" I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain  
I've got cabin fever it's driving me insane  
We got cabin fever, we're flipping our bandanas  
Been stuck at sea so long we have simply gone bananas  
  
Ariba!   
Chica chica boom   
A chica chica boom boom chic  
Chica chica boom   
A chica chica boom boom chic  
  
We got cabin fever we've lost what sense we had  
We got cabin fever, we're all going mad  
  
My sanity is hanging by a thread  
Since we're going nowhere I've gone out of my head  
We were sailing sailing over the bounding main  
And now we're not! Ha ha heh!   
  
Grab your partner by the ears  
Lash him to the wheel  
Do-si-do, step on his toe  
Listen to him squeal  
Allemande left, allemande right  
It's time to sail or sink  
Swing your partner over the side  
Drop him in the drink  
  
We got cabin fever  
No if's, and's, or but's  
We're disoriented  
And demented  
And a little nuts  
  
Ach du lieber Volkswagen car  
(Yodel-lay-ee-hoo)   
Saur braten viener schnitzel  
Und a vunder bar  
(Yodel-lay-ee-hoo)   
  
We were sailing, sailing the wind was on our side  
And then it died  
  
I've got cabin fever  
I think I've lost my grip  
I'd like to get my hands on  
Whoever wrote this script (A/N: That'd be me! AAARGH! *gets tackled*)  
Si!   
  
I was floating 'neath a tropic moon  
And dreaming of a blue lagoon  
Now I'm crazy as a loon  
  
Cabin fever has ravaged all aboard  
This once proud vessel has become a floating psycho ward  
We were sailing, sailing headed who knows where  
And now though we're all here  
We're not all there  
  
Cabin fever!"_  
  
"Thank you everybody! We're here 'till Thursday!"   
  
  
  
The End! 


End file.
